Mar 12, 2010

An Unappealing Decision

Here’s a brief excerpt from an article in today’s WSJ  by Eric Felten, “Churches in Phoenix can once again ring their bells without fear of criminal prosecution thanks to a ruling last week by U.S. District Court Judge Susan R. Bolton, who found the city's noise ordinance to be an unconstitutional infringement on freedom of religion.”  As the founder of the church of the Great Fecal Cephalic, I respond with a very loud WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!  Now to those of you who aren’t members of the church that might sound slightly pejorative, but rest assured, in our order it is the equivalent of Amen.  Given this decision I can officially pronounce that a new prophet of our order has been found and has spoken. This decision is of such stunning fecality (it’s a religious  term) that Judge Bolton may be more than a prophet and may actually be one with the Great Fecal Cephalic in the sky. As befitting such status, the judge needs to be honored, all members of the church (and you know who you are) are called upon to get in their boom-box cars, put in the earplugs, turn up the subwoofers, you know where to put the clutch and drive up and down Judge Bolton’s street at all hours of the day and night. I would assume you can do this with impunity as you can explain to the arresting officer that you are a member of the GFC religion (make sure to enunciate the “G”, lest the officer think you are some kind of nut that worships fried chicken). Let the officer know that you are just expressing your freedom of religion.
Furthermore, this is excellent news for all members on the road to enlightenment  that play live music. No longer do we need to rent sound-proof rehearsal studios to partake in the religious ritual of band practice. Since there may be non-members reading this I should point out that if you don’t play in a rock/jazz/reggae/funk/rap/(ok pretty much anything except new age and classical music)  band you will never reach beyond being a micro-cephalic. In the afterlife your ability to wallow in the outpourings (and you know which kind I mean) of the Great Fecal Cephalic will be limited. To reach true god-cephalic (that’s a little different than god-head which always struck me as sounding like a sublime sex act), you must play in a live band and you are now duty-bound to practice wherever and whenever you can. The same goes for performing ad-hoc live shows. When the GFC spirit moves you, rent that generator, go to the local park and play, play, play to enlighten the masses of non-believers who may live nearby.
Now we have had great prophets in the past (B. Madoff, Ken Lay, and the senior executives at ADM come to mind), but being in the private sector has always limited their ability to become Great Fecal Macro Cephalics. They are and always will be merely fecal micro-cephalics. Judge Bolton on the other hand, being in a position of either elected or appointed  power, the latter seems more likely given the lack of intellectual endeavor showcased by this decision, has the potential for her name to become synonymous with the Great Fecal Cephalic.

Let freedom ring, let freedom ring, thank GFC almighty let freedom make everyone’s ears ring!

Legal disclaimer (you can tell by the italics) – this post was meant in jest, I don’t really want you to break any laws in your jurisdiction even if Judge Bolton just invalidated them all. I am serious about being the founder of the church of the GFC though, and if you want to move along the path towards being a fecal-cephalic yourself, please feel free to send me a donation, the church of the GFC believes in both indulgences and tithing great percentages of your income. Also my apologies to Eric Felten for borrowing his very amusing (to me) pun.

About Me

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Tod Gentille (@todgentille) is now a Curriculum Director for Pluralsight. He's been programming professionally since well before you were born and was a software consultant for most of his career. He's also a father, husband, drummer, and windsurfer. He wants to be a guitar player but he just hasn't got the chops for it.